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Monday, October 17, 2016

Letters to Jack: Nine Months.

Baby Jack, 

The first time I woke up in the hospital after you were born, I looked over to see your tiny sleeping body next to me and thought, through exhaustion and pain, "I couldn't possibly love you more than I do in this moment." And I was wrong.

A few months later, I came home from one of the first times I'd ever been apart from you, and you started babbling and giggling at me for the first time. My eyes filled with tears and I knew it wasn't possible to love you any more than I did at that moment. And I was wrong. 

We went to the beach with you a few weeks ago, and it was one of the best days I have ever had. The weather was perfect and you loved the ocean. I watched you scoot around trying to eat seashells and thought to myself, I will never be happier than I am today. I will never have more love in my heart than I do in this moment. And I was wrong. 

I know that my entire life will look like this. Over and over I will come to the conclusion that I couldn't possibly love you more, and over and over I will be wrong. 

I know this because on Thursday, we had a really crappy day. I was sick. You broke your car seat while we were out, and I didn't have my wallet and couldn't buy you a new one. So I spent an hour in a parking lot trying to balance holding you and figuring out a way to fix your seat. We got home and you skipped your nap. I had a lot of work to do, but a project that should have taken me thirty minutes to finish took me three hours because you screamed every time I left your sight.

It was a trying and tiring day. There was no trip to the beach, no one around to help me out, no happy, well-rested baby. But as I wrapped you in a blanket and rocked you to sleep, I kissed your chubby little cheeks and my heart exploded, just like it does every day. And I knew, deep down inside me, that I couldn't possibly love you more than I did right at that moment. 

And I knew, deep down inside me, that I was wrong. 

Happy nine months, sweet little love. I have never loved you more than I have today, and I promise I'll love you even more tomorrow. 
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