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Monday, November 7, 2016

How to Have a Completely Stress-Free Thanksgiving in 11 Easy Steps.

1. First things first: Please absolutely everyone. This is essential. If someone is upset with you for not going along with their plans/being late/saying the wrong thing, Thanksgiving will be ruined. RUINED.

2. Buy a new dress. Of course it will be expensive, even though you already have plenty of perfectly good dresses. Of course it will be form fitting, and you'll have eaten so much before Thanksgiving dinner even starts that you'll probably change into yoga pants. But if you don't buy a new dress, do you even actually care about Thanksgiving??

3. Start your marathon training weeks in advance. Marathon eating, that is. You've got to prepare your stomach so you can actually eat everything. This way, you can avoid these questions and comments: Oh, you didn't like it. || So I guess that's not your favorite anymore? I made it just for you. || Are you feeling well? You didn't eat enough. || You ate before you came, didn't you?

4. Clone yourself. Because that's the only way you're making it to everyone's Thanksgiving plans. 

5. Win the lottery. Let's be honest, that's the only way you're affording all the traveling, cooking, wine, grocery runs, and early Christmas gifts you need to be prepared for. 

6. Lose 20 pounds. So maybe "You've gained weight!" Won't be the first thing out of your grandma's mouth this year. 

7. Get married and have a baby. So when that one family member starts in on how they always thought you'd be married by now, you can say, HA! IN YOUR FACE. 

8. On the other hand, leave your current husband and children. That way when someone is talking to you about their exotic adventures this year, and how it's such a bummer you're tied down and can't have any fun, you can say, "Psh, what are you talking about?"

9. Spend approximately half of the time you're with family planning Christmas. Who cares that it's Thanksgiving? If you don't spend hours drawing up who's buying what gifts, and who's cooking what food, and what events are on what days, Christmas won't even happen.  

10. Make a list of topics to avoid so you don't offend someone/start a fight. Possible topics to avoid: Religion, politics, racism of any kind, anyone's job, breakups, women in general, men in know what? Just stick to talking about the food. 

11. Duck out of Thanksgiving dinner 3 hours early. Black Friday deals on Christmas presents obviously trump spending time with family. You're probably buying gifts for them, anyway. It would be selfish to stay around and finish your dinner. 


Wishing you all lots of good food, some thankfulness, and minimal family drama this month. 

What would you add to this list?
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